I have taken a break from the blog for a few weeks, my time has been pretty full of, well, other things. But, I have started writing a story, since the urge to write doesn't disappear simply because one is out of time for such things... so, sneaky as can be, I have managed to write 6 pages or so. It might need some editing, a little more detail, or a little less, here and there, but I think it is shaping up quite nicely, for someone who hadn't written anything more serious than some poetry and a million status updates since high school. If anyone has any comments, feel free to leave me some feedback. :) And no, the story is not done yet, I have no idea where it is going, no clue what the point is, except that I HAD to write something. So bear with me on that, would ya?
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Unfriending the Ex
So I did it. I took the plunge, as they say. I unfriended my ex and the rest of his family on Facebook. Next step? File for divorce. But that's okay, it's been heading this way longer than I even care to contemplate. I should have done this a long time ago and saved myself a lot of trouble and drama. I mean really.
The ex, of course, has accused me of using the kids as pawns in this whole dissolution of the relationship thing, which is patently ridiculous and really deserves no discussion. I have tried my hardest to keep him in their lives, but I am no longer willing to wait around for him to decide he has time to see them. Is this using them as pawns? Refusing to wait for phone calls, refusing to sit around my house until he shows up, doing things he was supposed to do, taking them to doctor appointments by myself, being a SINGLE FREAKING PARENT because he doesn't have time? THIS is using them as pawns? Sorry, here I was thinking I was living my life, and doing a good job doing the best I can. I was unaware of the ex's point of view. Whoops.
He also has accused me of not paying attention to myself, in like a million ways, and called me on things I thought were completely valid, but in his world is petty shit, I guess. Tells me I need to grow up. As if I'm not already 100% more grown up and responsible than he is. I am always there for my kids, though maybe not in the same way that he would be, but then we are two different people. Duh. I am there to clean up their vomit, a job he has NEVER done, I am there to make sure they are fed, bathed, clean clothes, food to go with them when they go some place (those pesky allergies, anyway!), I wash the dishes, I may not be perfect at all of these things but I DO MY BEST. More than I can say for him. He can't even REMEMBER what the kids can't eat. So stuck in his own head and his own world view, they only exist for him when it's convenient.
So yes, unfriended you are, jerk face. And the rest of your family too, especially since I keep getting phone calls from COLLECTIONS AGENCIES for people who don't even LIVE HERE. And yes, they are your Dad and Step-Mom. Fine, but I need not associate with them or with you, and now I can finally say whatever I want on my own personal Facebook, without worrying about what they, or you, all think. FINALLY. And that feels pretty damn good.
The ex, of course, has accused me of using the kids as pawns in this whole dissolution of the relationship thing, which is patently ridiculous and really deserves no discussion. I have tried my hardest to keep him in their lives, but I am no longer willing to wait around for him to decide he has time to see them. Is this using them as pawns? Refusing to wait for phone calls, refusing to sit around my house until he shows up, doing things he was supposed to do, taking them to doctor appointments by myself, being a SINGLE FREAKING PARENT because he doesn't have time? THIS is using them as pawns? Sorry, here I was thinking I was living my life, and doing a good job doing the best I can. I was unaware of the ex's point of view. Whoops.
He also has accused me of not paying attention to myself, in like a million ways, and called me on things I thought were completely valid, but in his world is petty shit, I guess. Tells me I need to grow up. As if I'm not already 100% more grown up and responsible than he is. I am always there for my kids, though maybe not in the same way that he would be, but then we are two different people. Duh. I am there to clean up their vomit, a job he has NEVER done, I am there to make sure they are fed, bathed, clean clothes, food to go with them when they go some place (those pesky allergies, anyway!), I wash the dishes, I may not be perfect at all of these things but I DO MY BEST. More than I can say for him. He can't even REMEMBER what the kids can't eat. So stuck in his own head and his own world view, they only exist for him when it's convenient.
So yes, unfriended you are, jerk face. And the rest of your family too, especially since I keep getting phone calls from COLLECTIONS AGENCIES for people who don't even LIVE HERE. And yes, they are your Dad and Step-Mom. Fine, but I need not associate with them or with you, and now I can finally say whatever I want on my own personal Facebook, without worrying about what they, or you, all think. FINALLY. And that feels pretty damn good.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Creepy Hiking Story
I had a random realization today. Whenever I hear a pileated woodpecker call, I feel like I'm in some Stephen King novel and some gruesome mutant is going to come wandering out of the shadows or something. Makes me downright paranoid. Especially when I'm working on something by myself, when I know no one else is even around... pretty creepy. And that also brings to mind a story I have, about hiking in the woods one day a couple of years ago...
My then-husband, our two kids, and I went hiking in the pygmy forest one day, not too far from our house. We were headed up an old trail near a creek, going for some old logging roads out there in the woods. On the way out, first 3/4 mile or so, it was idyllic. Nice sunny day, birds chirping, water in the creek running, warm out but nice in the shade. We were hiking uphill on what used to be a logging road itself, in fact, but it had been many years disused. When we got to the top of the hill, we stopped for a minute and had a breather, since the kids were so little.
A couple minutes later, after we had started up again, following another disused logging road out toward where I knew there was a junction where a bunch of roads came together, I started to hear pileated woodpeckers calling to each other in the woods. No other birds, no other noise. Just the wind sighing in the trees, and the woodpeckers. That made it feel a little creepy, but sometimes the forest is quiet, right? No big deal. So we kept walking, heading for the junction. We were talking, joking about feeling like being in Maine, being in a Stephen King novel, telling the kids what kind of footprints they were seeing, naming trees, that sort of thing, when I looked up and saw a pile of dirt on the road ahead. Okay, whatever, people build jumps for their dirt bikes out there. I got that, known that since I was a kid. As we got closer to it, though, I knew it wasn't a jump. Shaped wrong, I could tell even before we were close enough to see what it really was. Closer we got, the weirder it felt.
So we get up next to it, and stop, and what should lie on the other side but a hole shaped just like a grave, only not that deep. Maybe almost three feet deep, two feet wide, and six feet long, and dug in some hard-pan clay with a lot of determination. Knowing what I do about hard-pan clay, I could tell it had been dug when the clay was pretty dry. I could still see shovel marks in the clay on the sides of the hole. Now that must have been someone who was really pissed, I joked, but the joke fell pretty flat. Now the kids were starting to get a little freaked, just like we were, so we kept going down the road, making light of the hole and trying to pretend not to be so creeped out by it. We hiked on for maybe another half mile, passing assorted trash piles and lots of pygmy cypress trees and huckleberry bushes. We passed by a couple of turn-offs and walked the straight road, until we came across something else random and weird.
An altar. Built of cast-off chimney bricks, or some sort of old bricks, anyway. Complete with dog skull.
At that, we decided to turn around and hike back a different way. Some way that didn't go past the grave-shaped hole.
So we hiked back, found the junction, and took a different road. This road, though, went through a clearing that had once been a big turn-around for the logging trucks and tractors that must have been in use years before. Sometime since then, in the meantime, large amounts of old tree stumps had been hauled into the clearing. Lots of them bore signs of burning, and I knew this had been an old party spot in past years. No one had quite succeeded in burning any of them all the way, no matter how old and dry they were. At this, the kids started really whining, they were very freaked out. Through all of this, there was little noise. Even the woodpeckers had stopped.
So, we picked up the littlest child and took turns carrying her back home. Moral of the story? You should never take the kids hiking when you don't know what's out there. Also, when life gives you a sign like the grave-shaped hole, turn the hell around and go home, it's not likely to get better. Good news is, it was creepy but nothing overtly bad actually happened. Just a lot of whining from the children, which is pretty normal. And the back strain of carrying the girl child up hill to our driveway. That is pretty normal too, of course.
And the hole? It's still there. Went back last Fall with my daughter and my sister, and saw it again. I could still see the shovel marks in the clay on the sides of the hole, and all I can wonder is Gee, who dug that? And why? Complete weirdness, in Northern California.
My then-husband, our two kids, and I went hiking in the pygmy forest one day, not too far from our house. We were headed up an old trail near a creek, going for some old logging roads out there in the woods. On the way out, first 3/4 mile or so, it was idyllic. Nice sunny day, birds chirping, water in the creek running, warm out but nice in the shade. We were hiking uphill on what used to be a logging road itself, in fact, but it had been many years disused. When we got to the top of the hill, we stopped for a minute and had a breather, since the kids were so little.
A couple minutes later, after we had started up again, following another disused logging road out toward where I knew there was a junction where a bunch of roads came together, I started to hear pileated woodpeckers calling to each other in the woods. No other birds, no other noise. Just the wind sighing in the trees, and the woodpeckers. That made it feel a little creepy, but sometimes the forest is quiet, right? No big deal. So we kept walking, heading for the junction. We were talking, joking about feeling like being in Maine, being in a Stephen King novel, telling the kids what kind of footprints they were seeing, naming trees, that sort of thing, when I looked up and saw a pile of dirt on the road ahead. Okay, whatever, people build jumps for their dirt bikes out there. I got that, known that since I was a kid. As we got closer to it, though, I knew it wasn't a jump. Shaped wrong, I could tell even before we were close enough to see what it really was. Closer we got, the weirder it felt.
So we get up next to it, and stop, and what should lie on the other side but a hole shaped just like a grave, only not that deep. Maybe almost three feet deep, two feet wide, and six feet long, and dug in some hard-pan clay with a lot of determination. Knowing what I do about hard-pan clay, I could tell it had been dug when the clay was pretty dry. I could still see shovel marks in the clay on the sides of the hole. Now that must have been someone who was really pissed, I joked, but the joke fell pretty flat. Now the kids were starting to get a little freaked, just like we were, so we kept going down the road, making light of the hole and trying to pretend not to be so creeped out by it. We hiked on for maybe another half mile, passing assorted trash piles and lots of pygmy cypress trees and huckleberry bushes. We passed by a couple of turn-offs and walked the straight road, until we came across something else random and weird.
An altar. Built of cast-off chimney bricks, or some sort of old bricks, anyway. Complete with dog skull.
At that, we decided to turn around and hike back a different way. Some way that didn't go past the grave-shaped hole.
So we hiked back, found the junction, and took a different road. This road, though, went through a clearing that had once been a big turn-around for the logging trucks and tractors that must have been in use years before. Sometime since then, in the meantime, large amounts of old tree stumps had been hauled into the clearing. Lots of them bore signs of burning, and I knew this had been an old party spot in past years. No one had quite succeeded in burning any of them all the way, no matter how old and dry they were. At this, the kids started really whining, they were very freaked out. Through all of this, there was little noise. Even the woodpeckers had stopped.
So, we picked up the littlest child and took turns carrying her back home. Moral of the story? You should never take the kids hiking when you don't know what's out there. Also, when life gives you a sign like the grave-shaped hole, turn the hell around and go home, it's not likely to get better. Good news is, it was creepy but nothing overtly bad actually happened. Just a lot of whining from the children, which is pretty normal. And the back strain of carrying the girl child up hill to our driveway. That is pretty normal too, of course.
And the hole? It's still there. Went back last Fall with my daughter and my sister, and saw it again. I could still see the shovel marks in the clay on the sides of the hole, and all I can wonder is Gee, who dug that? And why? Complete weirdness, in Northern California.
Monday, February 6, 2012
My Amazing Weekend... Not.
So my last post was on the 2nd... by the 4th, I had that incredible puking nastiness that my kid had. And not just me, but kid #2 had it as well, to the tune of puking in her bed and not even waking me up. Personally, I could happily live without ever walking into the kids room and finding a half-dried puddle of vomit on the pillow EVER AGAIN. Especially when I still felt like puking, kinda, myself. That had to be one of the grossest, most miserable weekends on record in my house.
Speaking of my house, I have failed to clean it. Okay, I did clean up the puke and wash all the laundry, but the rest of the house is sadly lacking cleanliness... it needs help. BIG TIME. Ah well, I know what I'm doing tomorrow, huh? House cleaning 101, emergency status. Oh yes. I need a siren for that, I bet that would make my kids freaking JUMP to help clean up, instead of fighting me every step of the way. There would be no more arguing, whining, crying, and if there was I wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. "What? I can't hear you! The faster we get it cleaned up, the faster we can turn off the siren! I know it's loud! That's the POINT!"
Good thought for the evening, I guess. ;)
Speaking of my house, I have failed to clean it. Okay, I did clean up the puke and wash all the laundry, but the rest of the house is sadly lacking cleanliness... it needs help. BIG TIME. Ah well, I know what I'm doing tomorrow, huh? House cleaning 101, emergency status. Oh yes. I need a siren for that, I bet that would make my kids freaking JUMP to help clean up, instead of fighting me every step of the way. There would be no more arguing, whining, crying, and if there was I wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. "What? I can't hear you! The faster we get it cleaned up, the faster we can turn off the siren! I know it's loud! That's the POINT!"
Good thought for the evening, I guess. ;)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Coffee. I rest my case.
So last night was one of those why don't I just stay up and wait for the kid to puke kind of nights. I did get some sleep, which is good, but the boy child didn't get much, since he was up every hour or so vomiting. The good news is he made it to the toilet every single time and didn't puke on the floor. This is a massive bonus, last time he was sick and puking he puked on the floor repeatedly. Oh yes. That was not a fun day, night, whatever. All of the above.
I have been in Supermom mode today, dealing with puke and poopy pants, cleaning my bathroom so no one else gets sick, cleaning my kitchen since it was completely trashed, like some herd of monkeys came through and smeared food on ALL the dishes... what else? Oh yeah, bathed not one but two kids, took out my trash, washed some laundry, fixed the washing machine... yep. Even that. Is it naptime yet? No, of course not, it's COFFEE time! My kids don't nap, why would anyone imagine life would be so easy? Oh, I also did some actual work, if anyone cares. In my spare time, don't you know. And I still have plenty that needs to get done, the day is nowhere near over yet. At all.
I'm wondering, right at this very moment, how I ever managed to get anything done when I didn't drink coffee.
I have been in Supermom mode today, dealing with puke and poopy pants, cleaning my bathroom so no one else gets sick, cleaning my kitchen since it was completely trashed, like some herd of monkeys came through and smeared food on ALL the dishes... what else? Oh yeah, bathed not one but two kids, took out my trash, washed some laundry, fixed the washing machine... yep. Even that. Is it naptime yet? No, of course not, it's COFFEE time! My kids don't nap, why would anyone imagine life would be so easy? Oh, I also did some actual work, if anyone cares. In my spare time, don't you know. And I still have plenty that needs to get done, the day is nowhere near over yet. At all.
I'm wondering, right at this very moment, how I ever managed to get anything done when I didn't drink coffee.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I made this amazing meal today, for dinner, and my children, being the ungrateful wretched brats that they can be, turned up their noses at it and wanted salami and bananas for dinner. As usual. It's funny how kids end up with favorite foods that they don't want to give up. I guess I can't complain too much, because mine was ketchup. But I would just eat it on everything. And believe me, growing up like I did I learned how to eat.
See, bacon-wrapped chicken breasts with roasted Yukon Gold potatoes and carrots. How could you not love this meal? Guess it's just me.
My kids, on the other hand, want to eat the same two or three foods for every meal. This cannot be healthy. Though I guess I should not complain as they do deviate from eating the same foods at least sometimes, and they do eat their veggies. Raw, even. They even eat raw spinach, which I never did when I was a kid. So never mind, this is me not complaining. Though I would have liked it if they at least noticed that I cooked real food, instead of just throwing salami and bananas at them. Ha. Yeah, that's a funny thought.
*hurls peeled bananas and pieces of salami at the children like they're dogs and they're going to catch it out of the air*
All right, that wouldn't work so well, but it is a funny thought. ;)
I got some time off today, kid-free time... which translates directly into creative time for me. Hence, I cooked. And made some jewelry, which is a hobby that I wish actually paid. Here's a pic of something I made today, some super-cool earrings.
See, this is what I'm good at, and what I would do all the time, if it was worth my time to do so. Instead, this functions as a hobby, while I am Mommy and I work and keep my house, this is what I'm thinking about doing. Helps keep me sane sometimes. And sometimes it is my retreat, my leave-me-alone-I'm-working thing, even when it doesn't make me much money. Damn these economic times anyway.
See, bacon-wrapped chicken breasts with roasted Yukon Gold potatoes and carrots. How could you not love this meal? Guess it's just me.
My kids, on the other hand, want to eat the same two or three foods for every meal. This cannot be healthy. Though I guess I should not complain as they do deviate from eating the same foods at least sometimes, and they do eat their veggies. Raw, even. They even eat raw spinach, which I never did when I was a kid. So never mind, this is me not complaining. Though I would have liked it if they at least noticed that I cooked real food, instead of just throwing salami and bananas at them. Ha. Yeah, that's a funny thought.
*hurls peeled bananas and pieces of salami at the children like they're dogs and they're going to catch it out of the air*
All right, that wouldn't work so well, but it is a funny thought. ;)
I got some time off today, kid-free time... which translates directly into creative time for me. Hence, I cooked. And made some jewelry, which is a hobby that I wish actually paid. Here's a pic of something I made today, some super-cool earrings.
See, this is what I'm good at, and what I would do all the time, if it was worth my time to do so. Instead, this functions as a hobby, while I am Mommy and I work and keep my house, this is what I'm thinking about doing. Helps keep me sane sometimes. And sometimes it is my retreat, my leave-me-alone-I'm-working thing, even when it doesn't make me much money. Damn these economic times anyway.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Being There
Okay, sometimes being a single parent sucks. Like when it comes time to take the trash out and needing to remember to put the trash cans out on garbage day so we don't end up with the overflowing crammed in mountain o' trash. But, if I don't do it, no one will. So that was my job this morning. But at least it's over now, and I'll just need to remember to roll the cans back to the side of the driveway later on, when I go to meet the boy child's school bus. Yay.
And then, other times being a single parent sucks even worse, like when my kids tell me they miss their Dad. What am I supposed to say to that, anyway? Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore. I don't WANT him to live here anymore. He and I don't want to be around each other anymore. He doesn't have time for you. He thinks school is more important than being there for you. He and I don't get along very well. I know none of these is really appropriate to tell a 4 year old or an almost 6 year old. There are no good excuses for not being there for your kids. Granted, I don't want him in my house all the time, but he makes very little effort to see the kids anywhere else, and believe me I would welcome the break if he wanted to spend some time with them. I have in fact asked him to spend time with the girl child, one on one, and give me time to work, and that has yet to actually occur. What's up with that? He has time to volunteer in the boy child's class but no time to spend with her? How is she going to view that when she gets older and realizes how unfair it is? *sigh* I guess I don't know and I'll deal with that when we get there.
Plenty of other times that being the parent sucks too. Like when I realize I am the only one doing anything for them. When I realize how much I have put my own life on hold to care for these children I wasn't even ready to have. When I realize how much I have missed of my own life because someone was crying or puking or just wouldn't sleep. But the good news is, that is mostly done at this point, both of the kids sleep better without Dad in the house than they ever did WITH him here, and that should tell you something about the state of our relationship and the level of tension we all lived with for a long time. Better now, though at what expense?
So, on the upside, things are better. Everyone sleeps better, kids get along better, WE all get along better most of the time. Kids are learning that I make all the rules and they are not negotiable, rather than trying to cope with living with multiple sets of rules, the Mom rules and the Dad rules, going back and forth every day. That was no fun. According to him I am both too nice and too harsh, too easy and too mean, I let them get away with too much and I also don't let them have fun. Whatever. I have simply realized that I must pick my battles, and some things are not worth fighting over. And some things are damn well mandatory. Being there? THAT is mandatory.
And then, other times being a single parent sucks even worse, like when my kids tell me they miss their Dad. What am I supposed to say to that, anyway? Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore. I don't WANT him to live here anymore. He and I don't want to be around each other anymore. He doesn't have time for you. He thinks school is more important than being there for you. He and I don't get along very well. I know none of these is really appropriate to tell a 4 year old or an almost 6 year old. There are no good excuses for not being there for your kids. Granted, I don't want him in my house all the time, but he makes very little effort to see the kids anywhere else, and believe me I would welcome the break if he wanted to spend some time with them. I have in fact asked him to spend time with the girl child, one on one, and give me time to work, and that has yet to actually occur. What's up with that? He has time to volunteer in the boy child's class but no time to spend with her? How is she going to view that when she gets older and realizes how unfair it is? *sigh* I guess I don't know and I'll deal with that when we get there.
Plenty of other times that being the parent sucks too. Like when I realize I am the only one doing anything for them. When I realize how much I have put my own life on hold to care for these children I wasn't even ready to have. When I realize how much I have missed of my own life because someone was crying or puking or just wouldn't sleep. But the good news is, that is mostly done at this point, both of the kids sleep better without Dad in the house than they ever did WITH him here, and that should tell you something about the state of our relationship and the level of tension we all lived with for a long time. Better now, though at what expense?
So, on the upside, things are better. Everyone sleeps better, kids get along better, WE all get along better most of the time. Kids are learning that I make all the rules and they are not negotiable, rather than trying to cope with living with multiple sets of rules, the Mom rules and the Dad rules, going back and forth every day. That was no fun. According to him I am both too nice and too harsh, too easy and too mean, I let them get away with too much and I also don't let them have fun. Whatever. I have simply realized that I must pick my battles, and some things are not worth fighting over. And some things are damn well mandatory. Being there? THAT is mandatory.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Joys Of A Clean House... Kinda
Okay, so the back situation has loosened up a little. Now it only feels like I'm being stabbed in the back if I lean over to my left. Ha. Yeah. What fun. I'm going to have some more ibuprofen here in a minute.
Good news is, I must have a ridiculous pain tolerance, because I washed laundry, and my shower curtains, cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned the kitchen. I'm quitting now though, and if anyone has a problem with that they can take it up with the management. Which is me, of course. And I'm sure no one wants to see my temper, because it's not fun. Nor pretty.
I still have work to take care of today. But for now, it is break time. Coffee and lunch and some painkiller time. Yeppers. Onward to feed my bottomless pit of a girl child. I hope she starts growing soon, because if she keeps eating like this without growing I'm going to start worrying about her. ;)
Good news is, I must have a ridiculous pain tolerance, because I washed laundry, and my shower curtains, cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned the kitchen. I'm quitting now though, and if anyone has a problem with that they can take it up with the management. Which is me, of course. And I'm sure no one wants to see my temper, because it's not fun. Nor pretty.
I still have work to take care of today. But for now, it is break time. Coffee and lunch and some painkiller time. Yeppers. Onward to feed my bottomless pit of a girl child. I hope she starts growing soon, because if she keeps eating like this without growing I'm going to start worrying about her. ;)
Knot Your Average Day
The boy child is off to school and I am having one of those moments where I don't know what to do first... have more coffee, clean my kitchen which seems to have been completely destroyed, or do laundry. The only one of these options that sounds good at all is more coffee.
Of course somehow in the last few days I seem to have tweaked my back, and it does not feel good. Yes, I have taken a painkiller. I'm wondering if it will ever work, but at least I can say I took it. This hasn't happened to me in a long time. Back pain used to be a constant companion, but that was when I was a lot heavier. Lately, migraines have been my primary source of pain, so I'm a little unthrilled with this. I have a knot next to my left shoulder blade that seems to be the most painful first thing in the morning, which is of course right when I want to be the most productive. Yay. So I guess I'm doing some stretching this morning to see if I can loosen it up, because otherwise my kitchen will remain a complete mess. And that, my friends, will suck.
Oh, and of course the rest of my house is pretty thrashed too. It's amazing, no matter how clean it was a few days ago, now it looks like a tornado went through here. Children are amazingly good at making messes and refusing to clean them up, and with my back messed up I am not going to be crawling around on the floor cleaning up after them. Ha. Absolutely frigging not. I'll just proceed to walk on the toys and dirty clothes, if they don't care why should I? At least I have shoes on and I won't have to worry about hurting my feet or stepping on anything gross, right? Right. And on that note, I am totally going to go have some more coffee. And stretch. A lot.
Wish me luck, I need it. ;)
Of course somehow in the last few days I seem to have tweaked my back, and it does not feel good. Yes, I have taken a painkiller. I'm wondering if it will ever work, but at least I can say I took it. This hasn't happened to me in a long time. Back pain used to be a constant companion, but that was when I was a lot heavier. Lately, migraines have been my primary source of pain, so I'm a little unthrilled with this. I have a knot next to my left shoulder blade that seems to be the most painful first thing in the morning, which is of course right when I want to be the most productive. Yay. So I guess I'm doing some stretching this morning to see if I can loosen it up, because otherwise my kitchen will remain a complete mess. And that, my friends, will suck.
Oh, and of course the rest of my house is pretty thrashed too. It's amazing, no matter how clean it was a few days ago, now it looks like a tornado went through here. Children are amazingly good at making messes and refusing to clean them up, and with my back messed up I am not going to be crawling around on the floor cleaning up after them. Ha. Absolutely frigging not. I'll just proceed to walk on the toys and dirty clothes, if they don't care why should I? At least I have shoes on and I won't have to worry about hurting my feet or stepping on anything gross, right? Right. And on that note, I am totally going to go have some more coffee. And stretch. A lot.
Wish me luck, I need it. ;)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
More About Me
So, on the subject of life and it's randomness... I have overcome several things in my life. First off, when I was a kid, we were poor. And no, I don't mean poor like we couldn't afford nice clothes poor, but more like we had toast with sugar and milk for breakfast because we couldn't afford to buy cereal, and sometimes there was nothing. THAT kind of poor. Second, I have food allergies that I was unaware of until I was 25, which were adversely affecting my life for years. Third, I was completely unready to have children. Fourth, I lost a lot of weight a few years ago. I mean not like 30 or 40 pounds, but like 85 pounds. More on the weight loss later.
Not that this makes me special or anything, I know lots of people have had it much worse than I have, this is not about poor me. This is about rising above that attitude and trying my best to be the best me I can be, no matter what. And that is a big part of why I am here writing this stuff down some place.
So, about those allergies, right? In my house we follow a pretty ridiculous diet. Lots of people say how can you do that? Isn't it hard? Well yes, but it's not just a diet, it's a matter of health. Not only that, if you do it long enough it becomes a life style. We (meaning my kids and I) don't eat dairy, gluten, soy, or corn. Really. And mostly we don't eat tomatoes, either. Now, even this could be worse and I know it, I've heard stories about people with about 25 more allergies than that. So in essence, we are lucky not to have it worse. And the good news is that learning about food is part of what helped me lose all that weight. Had I not done something, I probably would not be anywhere near as healthy as I am. And nowhere near as mentally stable either.
Mental stability, you say. Yep. I have been through some of the worse depression, anxiety, social phobias... not that I'm perfect now, but at least I am completely aware of myself, which I used to not even want to be. I know what my triggers are, I know how to avoid depression and anxiety... still got the social phobia going on, but not as bad at all as it used to be. At least I can joke with the checkers at the grocery store without blushing and wanting to disappear, and I can go out in public without freaking out and having an anxiety attack. Because that is who I used to be, not who I am now.
When my son was born, I was still dealing with the anxiety and depression. In fact, that carried right over until I got over the postpartum depression I had after my daughter was born almost two years later. I call it postpartum depression, but having done some research it was really probably postpartum psychosis. I was not a happy camper, you could say. And I was completely unprepared for the demands placed on me in my life, by my kids, family, and society. And the husband. Life didn't really get better until 2010, four years after my son was born, when my cousin looked at me and went hey, do you know how messed up your relationship is? Is this what you want your kids growing up with? And I realized that no, in fact, this was not what I wanted. So here I am today, six months past the beginning of the separation, feeling like myself again. FINALLY. And that is why I started this blog. Just to have a place to pour all this out. :)
Not that this makes me special or anything, I know lots of people have had it much worse than I have, this is not about poor me. This is about rising above that attitude and trying my best to be the best me I can be, no matter what. And that is a big part of why I am here writing this stuff down some place.
So, about those allergies, right? In my house we follow a pretty ridiculous diet. Lots of people say how can you do that? Isn't it hard? Well yes, but it's not just a diet, it's a matter of health. Not only that, if you do it long enough it becomes a life style. We (meaning my kids and I) don't eat dairy, gluten, soy, or corn. Really. And mostly we don't eat tomatoes, either. Now, even this could be worse and I know it, I've heard stories about people with about 25 more allergies than that. So in essence, we are lucky not to have it worse. And the good news is that learning about food is part of what helped me lose all that weight. Had I not done something, I probably would not be anywhere near as healthy as I am. And nowhere near as mentally stable either.
Mental stability, you say. Yep. I have been through some of the worse depression, anxiety, social phobias... not that I'm perfect now, but at least I am completely aware of myself, which I used to not even want to be. I know what my triggers are, I know how to avoid depression and anxiety... still got the social phobia going on, but not as bad at all as it used to be. At least I can joke with the checkers at the grocery store without blushing and wanting to disappear, and I can go out in public without freaking out and having an anxiety attack. Because that is who I used to be, not who I am now.
When my son was born, I was still dealing with the anxiety and depression. In fact, that carried right over until I got over the postpartum depression I had after my daughter was born almost two years later. I call it postpartum depression, but having done some research it was really probably postpartum psychosis. I was not a happy camper, you could say. And I was completely unprepared for the demands placed on me in my life, by my kids, family, and society. And the husband. Life didn't really get better until 2010, four years after my son was born, when my cousin looked at me and went hey, do you know how messed up your relationship is? Is this what you want your kids growing up with? And I realized that no, in fact, this was not what I wanted. So here I am today, six months past the beginning of the separation, feeling like myself again. FINALLY. And that is why I started this blog. Just to have a place to pour all this out. :)
An Introduction To Me
So here I am in blogger world again, how strange.... and the real question is, do I actually have anything to say? I might. From time to time it will be pointless or silly, but who cares, right? That's what the internet is here for. I will most likely be writing about the ins and outs of parenthood, how crazy my two kids drive me, the realities of being essentially a single parent, with occasional forays into other subjects. Why not? Like I said, that's what the internet is here for.
So I have two kids, ages 4 and almost 6, one girl one boy respectively. They are sometimes the light of my life, and sometimes the bane of my existence. As I'm finding most people feel the same way, I won't worry too much about that. Last night we had one of the good times, the kids were telling stories to each other and laughing hysterically. This, you may realize, does not happen all the time. Generally they are telling each other how much they dislike each other or finding something to fight about. As kids do. I like the laughing parts better.
I like to make stuff. This is one of those forays into something else, you might have guessed. I like to draw and paint and make jewelry. The jewelry is what I do the most, it's something that saves my sanity on occasion. I like to write too, I've been writing poetry since I was in the fifth grade. So I guess I am a well-rounded creative person, when you look at it that way. Now, if I could just find some way to make that pay... that would be super awesome.
I am separated from my husband, which you know if you read my About Me section, right? Right. We were together for 11 years. The only good things to come out of that are the kids and my own realization that I know what I DON'T want in a relationship. I don't want to be judged, and I don't want to be made to feel insignificant, and I want my opinion to matter, damn it. Oh, the other good thing that came from that, at least I know now that this is my life. And that, my friends, is extraordinarily important. I am no longer living for anyone else, I am doing the things I want and need to do. I've got to maintain my own sanity and live for me. If I can't do that, how am I supposed to raise two kids into acceptable human beings? Hmm? Exactly. It would be impossible. And on that note, I need to go make some coffee. Oh, did I mention I am a coffee addict? Well, now you know. :)
So I have two kids, ages 4 and almost 6, one girl one boy respectively. They are sometimes the light of my life, and sometimes the bane of my existence. As I'm finding most people feel the same way, I won't worry too much about that. Last night we had one of the good times, the kids were telling stories to each other and laughing hysterically. This, you may realize, does not happen all the time. Generally they are telling each other how much they dislike each other or finding something to fight about. As kids do. I like the laughing parts better.
I like to make stuff. This is one of those forays into something else, you might have guessed. I like to draw and paint and make jewelry. The jewelry is what I do the most, it's something that saves my sanity on occasion. I like to write too, I've been writing poetry since I was in the fifth grade. So I guess I am a well-rounded creative person, when you look at it that way. Now, if I could just find some way to make that pay... that would be super awesome.
I am separated from my husband, which you know if you read my About Me section, right? Right. We were together for 11 years. The only good things to come out of that are the kids and my own realization that I know what I DON'T want in a relationship. I don't want to be judged, and I don't want to be made to feel insignificant, and I want my opinion to matter, damn it. Oh, the other good thing that came from that, at least I know now that this is my life. And that, my friends, is extraordinarily important. I am no longer living for anyone else, I am doing the things I want and need to do. I've got to maintain my own sanity and live for me. If I can't do that, how am I supposed to raise two kids into acceptable human beings? Hmm? Exactly. It would be impossible. And on that note, I need to go make some coffee. Oh, did I mention I am a coffee addict? Well, now you know. :)
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